The
Depressed mom
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Depressed mom
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Hello panic attacks. I loathe you. You make me feel like I'm having a heart attack. Damian took me for a walk today. It was nice. All I could think about was last night and how close I was to walking up to the hospital. I didn't. I wanted to make it to my appointment tommorow. I am still on edge and trying to make it to that appointment. It baffles me how long I can go being "okay" and in the blink of an eye my whole world comes crashing down. I have a wonderful support system, but I can't have a babysitter 24/7. I am stressing about finances again. I am fighting myself because techically with BPD and bi-polar I am disabled. Yeah, I know it's insane. There are people who have it worse than I do and still go to work. I've tried. I keep trying. It is too much. I can't be a Mom, a wife, a friend and work full time. On top of taking care of a household, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and everything else the woman of the house is responsible for. I bit the bullet and applied for disability again. I need to go back to therapy. I need to get myself healthy again.
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It's been quite some time. The only sure thing about BPD and bi-polar is that it never goes away. I was doing so well. That has passed. I'm back in hell. I hurt. I have no idea what I am doing. I was really sick this summer with something. Never did find out what it was. 2 months of not being able to take my medications really fucked me up. I can't seem to grasp the fact that I'm not a complete failure. Every day I wake up feeling empty. Like a piece of me is missing. That's just another piece of the symptom puzzle. I am having nightmares again. Even on Seroquel which is basically a tranquilizer to me. Every single day I can't stop picturing life without me in it. I get past this everyday. Barely. It's exhausting. It's sad that just staying alive is so exhausting. I know I'm not alone, so why do I feel so alone? I've prayed to get past this. I have hoped and dreamed I could be more successful in more than just staying alive day to day. So, I am writing again. My feelings, my thoughts and my pain are more easily understood when I write it out. Type it out. Whatever. I have an appointment this week. I am hoping they can get me back into therapy. Fingers crossed. Right now, this is going to be my therapy. If you don't like what you see or read, kindly move on. I don't need any more negativity in my life. It's taking everything I've got to just hold on right now.
I slept the entire day away yesterday. I didn't want to be awake and thinking. Today is a little bit better, but now I am anxious about my weekend trip. I am not driving, which leaves me feeling horrible. I hate not driving, not being in control of the vehicle I am in. I am trying to think about all the fun I am going to have with my family, but the fear of something going wrong or someone asking me questions I don't want to answer, is looping around in my head like a CD skipping from being scratched. I have all of our things packed. I double and triple checked to make sure I have everything we need, yet I feel horrible going somewhere with almost no money. I have no gift for my cousin and his girlfriend for their housewarming party. I am like, worthless. I am struggling and I hate that everyone can see it. I was always so proud of the career I had, the life I was living, even if it wasn't perfect. Now, what do I have to show? I can't work. I barely have money. All I have is a double diagnoses and I feel like i'm already 6 feet under. I tried to make a phone call today and stumbled around so much that the lady I was speaking to must have thought I was incoherent. I can't do the things I did before. I try, but can't. I am going to try to focus on the things I can do this weekend. I can take care of my daughter, even though I can barely take care of myself. I am going to have fun with my family. No matter what happens, no one can take that away from me. I am going to remain positive. I am going to help anyone who needs help around their home or with the kids. It is all I can offer, but at least it's something.
As Always, Thank you for reading. Ever since my therapist suggested that I may have bipolar disorder along with borderline personality disorder, I've been a mess. It makes sense. I am horrible with money. I will go weeks or even months on a "high" only to crash and hit rock bottom depression. I am impulsive, moody and emotional. I am trying to focus my attention on important things. I am trying to take care of my family, myself, my friends and my pets because it's all I can do. Most days I can't even do that. I am already well aware my journey to disability is going to be a long one. I wish I could just tell them, "Look, I don't plan on needing it for more than a year or two. I need to get my shit together and get healthy so I can return to being a productive member of society." I have been putting off getting well for so many years that now it isn't an option anymore. It's get help or slide the slippery slope to a major breakdown that could lead to the end of my life. I am so exhausted from fighting this battle. It is time for me to step back and just get healthy. I have the rest of my life to accomplish anything I can dream, but I can't do it without getting the help I need and giving my mental health the full attention it needs. With that being said, I am trying to amp up my Pure Romance business. As of the end of August, I will have absolutely no income unless I get approved for disability before then, which I highly doubt. If you are reading this and haven't heard of Pure Romance, ask me! No pressure sales, just a chat about some of the best beauty, bath and bedroom accessories out there! Need a Mom night? Have a party! I need all the support I can get.
Olivia starts school the end of August. I can't believe she is going into 3rd grade! Jeesh, where does the time go?! My goal is to be able to get Olivia a pair of school sneakers with $ I've made from my Pure Romance sales. As Always Thank you for reading. I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I took a melatonin. It didn't help. I almost feel high for no reason. I feel like a bag of shit, but I am wide awake. I could go for a walk, but it's 2am. I don't think that's a good idea. I've been lost over the past week or more. I don't feel like myself. I feel like I am watching my life play out from the outside. I can't help but stay inside and curl up. Life is terrifying, especially when it feels like you are just watching it and have no control. I really don't think the 60mg of prozac is working. I am also questioning if I have adult adhd. My mind never stops racing, ever. Lately My dreams have been so real that when I wake up, it can take hours to sort out what is reality and what was just a dream. All I want to do is sleep. It's close to death without actually dying or hurting anyone.
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